Needless to say, the two days since Thursday have been torture. The funny thing is that they were not much different then the two days before Thursday. I wasn’t in your physical presence any of the four days. The only difference was that you weren’t walking next to me in my minds eye. That image I’ve gotten used to over the last 5 years. It’s not easy to erase that image.
There is nothing anyone can tell me that will make sense of what has happened. That fact combined with the fact that you are convinced that this is the right course of action frustrates my senses. How can one love another and not be with them?
You are searching for your core identity. Your core never changes despite education, experience, vocation, friends, family or lovers. I understand this search as I’ve been looking for my core for a long time. Some would say that the definition of a wise man is one that is undergoing this search. You, too, have been searching for a long while…
Your core is singular reason why I love you. It’s who you are, but it seems impossible to articulate. On the other hand, I know what its not… It’s not your sex, your beauty, your politics or your love of me. These things change and they tend to come and go.
There are hints of it in your laugh and sense of humor, in your humility and self-assuredness. The first things that attracted me to you were your sense of wonderment, your curiosity and your need to explore meaning and purpose.
The door to our love remains, and always will be, open. If I misunderstand our relationship and the door is closed, it has been closed a long time and this set of events is the sixth act in a Shakespearean comedy (where it turns into tragedy). I don’t believe I misunderstand our relationship. No matter what either of us does, has done or will do, our love is meant to be forever. To me this means that at some point we’re meant to be together forever.
You know how to get a hold of me. Call me if you ever have a change of heart.
Tomorrow, I won’t be home when you come and get your stuff. While it has been torture so far, it would kill me to see you under these circumstances. I hope you understand.